Spent a lot of today wonderin'. I wonder what Ava is doing. I wonder what it will feel like to not miss her so bad. I wonder if I even want to not miss her so bad. I wonder how in the world this was what God wanted to use. I wonder why anyone has to lose family.
Lots of my wondering doesn't even make sense to me...so I am sure it doesn't make sense to anyone else. I've been in a bit of a funk today. I comes in waves. I am fine one minute and then an hour later, just plain sad. I really am looking forward to days where the sadness isn't so sad, but more the fond memory that people talk about that eventually comes. I am not there yet.
I found out that some of my deer huntin buddies in Ohio are going through some brain cancer issues right now, too. It's amazing how close to home that hits. When I hear those words I see Ava's face. I remember the moment we found out. I really wish it was all not real. I really do hate cancer. I think it should be illegal.
Ok, I'm done. It wasn't a great day. But, tomorrow is bound to be better. I am gonna go pray for a while. Close to God is close to Ava since she is with Him....
Cancer should be illegal. Praying for you, your day tomorrow, and all your days ahead.
ReplyDeleteBaby steps...one at a time...and God is there holding your hand each step of the way. Lord, please give Josh your peace and comfort this evening. We thank you in advance for seeing him through these up and down days...for Your promise to never leave his side. May he rest in your love tonight as you restore hope and joy to his soul.
ReplyDeleteJosh hope you know it is okay to cry out to God and wonder and ask why. We are His dear children and just like natural children we are loaded with questions about the big things that happen.
ReplyDeletePraying for you dear brother.
M.
Josh,
ReplyDeleteWe continue to lift you up! Not a day goes by that we do not think of you all. I know the deer up here are hoping you don't make the trip to NC :) Thank you for sharing your transparent walk with Jesus. Sleep tight, Hunters!
Josh,
ReplyDeleteYou wouldn't be normal if you didn't have up and down days. Praying that God will continue to carry you, Lisa and Noah through the days ahead.
His mercies are new every morning.
ReplyDeleteJosh-
ReplyDeleteWish I could take the pain and missing her away. I don't know what to say, except keep praying and God will give you the strength to continue each day. He is so good.
I think about Ava, too. I see here playing, and running and dancing to ABC. Hey, why can't they have that song in heaven. :)
Your mom's e-mail was so uplifting and inspiring. Hold on, friend.
I pray Lisa is holding on as well.
In Christ's love-
Jody
Dear Josh,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your sad day today. God understands all that you are feeling today. I pray you have a restful and restorative sleep tonight. Praying for a brighter day tomorrow. God be with you.
Pain will always be there in some form, although with time and love, the depth and breadth of it lessens.
ReplyDeleteFeeling the pain, grieving the loss, and living today is the only way to walk the path you are now on.
It is easy to want to be the rock that everyone seems to think you are, but it is entirely healthy to be the father that lost his beloved daughter, even if to heaven.
I'm so sorry...
Perhaps days like these are meant to bring you to an even closer relationship with God, He too gave His only Son to die...for all of us, He knows your pain, and although it still hurts more than you can bear at times, He is there to hold you in His arms.
ReplyDelete"We cannot grow without change. The more drastic the change, the more potential we have to discover another aspect of our inner selves that we haven't known before. All our lives God invites us to discover and accept who we are. All of our lives we are called to live fully so that we will be ready to journey to heaven." Joyce Rupp, from "May I Have This Dance".
Continuing prayers for you all...peace.
I hear ya...
ReplyDeleteCancer sucks. It really does. Praying for comfort for you guys today.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry. I pray all of us praising your strength is not making it harder for you to feel the pain that is inevitable. Even considering your faith and strength, the wretchedness of the grief you are suffering is normal.
ReplyDeleteJosh,
ReplyDeleteWhat you're feeling is perfectly normal if there is such a thing in this case. It was my "normal" when I lost my brother to question why and how this could possibly be used positively. I wondered what he was doing and how he felt. Then one night after crying myself to sleep God gave me the most wonderful gift, a dream. My brother came to see me and hugged me as I cried in his arms and told him how much I missed him. He looked better than he did when he was here on earth, he had a glow and a joy about him that I cannot explain. He took my face in his hands and told me he loves me and that he is good, that he is happy and that he watches over all of us every single day. I was comforted by his "visit", and that helped a little with my sadness. He's been gone almost 4yrs now and I am still saddened that he isn't here but the pain has gotten not easier but different. I can look at pictures of him now without crying and think back on conversations with him without crying. I was up and down with how I felt for 3yrs, no one can say how long it will be for you because we all grieve differently. I just know that one day you wake up and it isn't as bad as the day before. Know that you and your family are loved, and peace will come in the morning. God bless you.
Frances A
Josh..just tackle 5 minutes at a time. We will never stop praying. I pray that in a dream or a verse or a vision God would grant you a glimpse into Ava's life now. I pray that with all of my heart.
ReplyDeleteJosh, I agree cancer should be illeagel.. I lost my mom to brain cancer 4 years ago...It is ok to be sad and have your sad days..I'm sorry you are having one now but I can say this God gives you the strenght to adjust and get through somehow, and it can be rough at times. Even though I have not been saying it in my comments I am still praying daily for you ALL. I hope you have a better day today! Cindy Miller
ReplyDeleteIf cancer was a person, I would punch him or her in the face. I found out a friend has just been diagnosed with cancer. She's young, with young children. I'm SO over cancer.
ReplyDelete"God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with your testing will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it."
1 Corinthians 10:13
I'm pretty sure I read this scripture on your blog awhile back. I printed it out and have it taped to my computer. I read it everyday, and perhaps you can to...hoping you may find comfort in it...
Thoughts of your dear family always..
This is one of my favorite posts since Ava's death.
ReplyDeleteI hope that no one is expecting you to "get over" the death of your daughter. The day we "get over" things like that will be the day we enter in to eternity.
Before, it will be as you describe; ups and downs, and behind it all, the unyielding void of her absence.
Separation - W.S. Merwin
"Your absence has gone through me
Like a thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color."
Cathy in Missouri
Thinking of you today!!!!
ReplyDeleteWe lost our first two children. My husband wrote a song that helped in my healing and has also touched other parent's lives who were in similar situations. Look at http://www.reverbnation.com/martymiles and find the song entitled "Song for Sarah and Jesse". I pray that you will feel our Father's arms around you as walk through the next days.
ReplyDeleteYou are in our prayers.
Still praying for you all!
ReplyDeleteI wish cancer would get cancer and die, Praying your days ahead are better. God bless
ReplyDeleteBless your heart, I feel so bad for you guys and I wish I could somehow take the pain away and tell you all the answers, but I can't. But I can and do pray for all of the Gables and Hunters. Thank God that you know Him and know where precious Ava is!! I don't know what folks without the Lord do!!!! I will add your friend to my prayer list, Josh.
ReplyDeleteI understand your wonderings. I wonder the same things about God's reasoning when bad things happen. I struggle with the why of little Ava's death myself. I just have to have faith in our sovereign God and you and your family have helped to strengthen my faith. Please know that you and your family are still daily in my prayers. May God give you comfort and peace that only He can give.
ReplyDeleteThe going round and round in circles is part of the grieving process - just live in the moment - don't think of getting "used to this" that will come when the season is right (a time to mourn) - the grieving process is right up there with "life" - it is a process - you WILL come out on the other side, stronger, but a new person and the newness of you and your family will be beyond your wildest understanding - as He promises - just give yourself time and space as you are doing and stay close to your wife and Son during this period - none of you need to be "intact" with all the answers - just wrap your heart around your wife and child and soothe each other's path as you go through this desert. A book which helped me tremendously when my Dad passed away was "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People" written by a Rabbi - don't recall his name but it gave me tremendous understanding and comfort...My heart is wrapped around you and your family as you seek your "wonderings" answered -
ReplyDeleteJosh and Lisa-- NO ONE is expecting you to be super human in all this. Yes, you have faith but this is a very very difficult time. From what I know of the grieving process and from speaking with one of my best friends who lost her child many years ago, all of these feelings are normal and part of grieving. She describes that first year especially as one where it was like she was walking around and talking to people but really felt so numb and unaware of anything outside of that. It sounds like this is one of those days that you need some extra prayers. I see many comments today and I know you and Lisa and your entire family are going to be wrapped securely in a blanket of prayer. May God Bless you and keep you. Sue Schutz
ReplyDeletecancer should be more than outlawed. But i can't think of anything bad enough for it.
ReplyDeleteAllow yourself to grieve. It is necessary and natural. If losing a precious 5 year old daughter is not worthy of grieving, I can't imagine what else would be.
ReplyDeleteWe mourn not as the heathen, without hope...but we do grieve.
I found grieving was not a linear process for me. There were good days and bad days, and good and bad hours within a day too. Three steps forward, two steps back. Memories can bring a chuckle or ambush you with pure sorrow. I am praying for God's comfort for you.
I usually read C.S. Lewis on those "wondering" days. I have never lost a child, but I did lose my Mother and Father to cancer, and my best friend was killed by a drunk driver when she was 23 in 1981. I still my days when I think too much about everything.....and wonder what the heck?
ReplyDeleteI love what Lewis writes about the problem of pain. Lewis nails suffering in his writings.
I sent you a few of C.S. Lewis quotes when you asked us to write about how Ava touched our lives. To help me find the quotes, I Googled a few words of the quote and found this website: http://www.awildernessvoice.com/OnSuffering.html
If you go to "Home" and then "Poetry Page" and scroll down, there is a poem there that I think Ava would like called "Butt Prints in the Sand."
Thank you for your blog journey. You've reached out to so many people with your blog, I can't even imagine how many lives have changed for the better because of this blog. :-)
Patricia Stewart