It's been a decent Sunday. Sundays are weird. Just the 3 of us going to church feels bizarre still. While we were in the hospital, Noah transitioned from 5th grade to middle school at church. That means that he now goes to the service with us. SO, now we all go together, sit together and then leave. We don't go to the kids area to pick anyone up. I have to admit, I don't like that at all. Sundays are still the hardest day. Ava's earthly absence is so much more pronounced on a day when we all hang out together. People at church are amazing and care for us very well, but we just miss Ava. None of us want her back because that would require her to leave perfection, but we all want her back (know what I mean?). It's selfish and I know it, but it just flat out sucks.
It's been a month. Today it feels like years. I'd still give up anything to be able to be with her and I know one day I will. It's the waiting that I hate. I hate it for me and I hate it for Lisa. However, if the choice is us taking the pain of her gone vs. her taking the pain of living here with that stupid tumor that hurt her...then the choice is easy.
Ava is good. So, I should be good. But, Sundays are harder than regular days. I look forward to the day that they are easier. Not sure when or if that will come, but I hope it does.
Maybe next Sunday will be easier???
Josh, it will probably never be easier. There will always be a hole in your heart that only Ava...and God...can fill. I rejoice in the fact you know where she is and Who she is with. As long as you know that, you must be comforted by the Comforter. I continue to pray for you and the family as you learn to live with what is called these days "the new normal"...which doesn't fee normal at all....... :)+
ReplyDeletePraying for you daily. The day to day stuff will continue to ricochet between "ok and even joyful" and "incredibly painful" but eventually the pain of your loss here will start to mellow out. I know God is continuing to bless you richly even as you walk through the valley.
ReplyDeleteI was just remarking to a friend today that it hurts so bad that my Daddy isn't here to be the amazing grandfather to my kids that I know he would have been. But, that would mean that he wouldn't be in the most perfect place and he may still be in pain. No thanks. It will just have to suck in that regard until we're all together again when it matters most. There will always be a void until Heaven fills it.
ReplyDeleteI pray that the week ahead brings you peace.
Always praying...always believing...
Josh, as I read your blog tonite I actually felt what you feel because you explain it so well..I know I would feel the exact same way. ( I lost both my parents but not my child) and I wish there was something I could do, but, when I thaught about it more there is only one thing I can do and have been doing for the past few months is pray because only God can do for you that none of us can. With that being said I will just pray more, more about the pain you are all experiencing, and confort in your new normal..
ReplyDeleteCindy Miller
Maybe come to The Plaza next week and maybe it'll just be different, instead of sucky kinda different. Prayers headed your way for all of you!!
ReplyDeleteYou are a stranger to me but yet I know you
ReplyDeletebecause of Ava and your blog. I attend Northland and LOVE your dad. I watched Ava's service with my seven year old son, we sang and cryed together. I was so touched and impressed especially when you and your family went up on stage. I started to pray about you,
Lisa, Noah, and Ava everyday since then! My
three children include you all in their prayers too. Thank you I want to be more like YOU.
Continuing to pray for your entire family...
ReplyDeleteJosh... although I have not walked in your shoes, you have given me and many to walk right beside you in this journey. I pray for comfort for your family every day. I know it's been a month. And in another month, Ava will be having the BEST birthday party ever!! And then in another month, she'll be celebrating Jesus' birthday RIGHT BESIDE HIM!! I know that's how you see things. I know you see her masking in His glory and with that picture in mind, gives you comfort like not other! Thank you for sharing your journey. Hope this week is a good week for you and that you can continue to look forward to Ava's little celebrations as each month comes!!
ReplyDeleteAngie McCracken
We continue to pray for your family.
ReplyDeleteI am so impressed by the true talent God has given you to express and share your feelings. I don't know whether to speak to you and your family at church or not, but am praying every day that this walk will get a little less painful. Thanks for sharing with us!! You are loved!!
ReplyDeleteJosh, I say this all the time, but I think about you, Lisa, and Noah and pray for you constantly. Love y'all.
ReplyDeleteJosh,
ReplyDeleteThank you for continuing to share w/ us. I know exactly what you mean when you keep saying, "It's been x time since she passed, but it feels like a year, or like yesterday." I lost my Pops last year, and some days it feels a lifetime ago, some days it feels like it just happened.
You sharing about talking w/ Ava has helped me to renew those conversations, which were naturally frequent the days and weeks right after he passed. In fact I was just speaking to him this morning on my drive to the gym. It saddens me that he won't get to be a grandfather this side of heaven, but I also want him to enjoy paradise. Loss just sucks...there's really no other way to put it regardless if you know where the missing loved one really is. We weren't created to experience this, I don't think.
I thank you for the example of a choice. Is He good in the midst of all this?
You help me to choose yes. Thank you.
You're still in my prayers.
~Jesse Clements
Thinking of you guys on this Monday morning. You guys are always in my prayers. I pray that you have a blessed day, and that you feel joy and not sadness.
ReplyDelete~Angela Gable
The Case family is still praying for the Hunter family as well as Donna and Don. My stepfather died several ears ago from ALS...This is another disease that should be illegal! love and prayers.
ReplyDeleteThe Case Family