We talk about Ava everyday. I still cry about her not being here at least once per day. I am crying only for me, because she is in perfection...but I still miss the heck out of her. Lisa and I daily talk about how bad we miss her and what a gift she is to our family.
Life is so incredibly different without her around. Quite frankly, I don't much care for it right now. Now, don't go thinking I am saying something crazy. I just don't enjoy each day like I did when she was here. I am learning to want to, but good grief it's not easy.
I don't write this stuff for sympathy or for some plea to be picked up by nice comments... I write it in hopes that someone, somewhere else who is struggling will read these words and know that someone else is still having rough time a month after losing a part of their world. Most people don't feel the freedom to tell the world how they feel. I do, because I want people to remember Ava and the impact she had on the world. This blog unintentionally gave her a voice that she didn't have on her own and I don't want it to go away. I want her life to continue to touch people where they are...lots of them in the midst of trial and pain.
Not every minute is a trial or filled with pain...but everyday still is.
Thanks to whoever wrote last night that everyday lived is another one closer to her...that made my day great. I was productive today like I hadn't been in months because I know that when I am working hard, time flies.
I'm kinda all over the map tonight...but, that happens every time I watch a Magic game.
Ava watched them with me (until she had to go to bed)...now she can stay up until they are over :)
Dwight learned a jump shot. I bet even Ava can't believe that.
I admire your honesty. I pray for your family daily. I saw a beautiful sunset tonight and it made me think of sweet Ava. I hope you got to see it too. One day in heaven I will get to meet your sweet girl and I am going to tell her just what a blessing she has been and continues to be to myself and to so many others. I have such love for her. I pray you have a great night and a really great day tomorrow. Do something fun.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me smile to think that I will meet your sweet Ava in heaven. She was obviously loved so well by her family. As I read your posts I can't help but think of how with Ava in heaven she is more a part of your future than of the past. I am praying that you will have continued productive and meaningful days to pass the time until you see her again. Thanks for being so honest.
ReplyDeleteJosh,
ReplyDeleteThis is the first time I have commented on your blog since I began reading it. My wife and I visted Northland back in April of this year while on vacation.From that point on, we followed Northland via the internet. How devastated we were when we learned about Ava's situation. But you, through this blog, have taught us true humility before God as well as allowing Ava the opportunity to touch and change hundreds, if not thousands of lives all over the world. God is now watching Ava dance the night away! May He bless you, Lisa and Noah with the joy of knowing that a great family reunion will someday take place in Heaven.
Randy Querry Lancaster, PA
PS: Bow season opened yesterday in PA where the real deer are.
You are very welcome for the comment :) You and your family make our day great as well. And it is, heaven is a breath away. It will be good, beautiful and perfect with her as He said it would be. We are on our way~~~
ReplyDeleteJosh, Thank you for your honesty and the courage you show each and everyday to write your feelings. I can't begin to tell you how much you ,Ava,Lisa,and Noah have blessed my life. We know you don't write for nice comments and such. I think this is a GREAT way for you to work through your grief and remember and keep you sweet little Princess in all our lives. God Bless you Josh. Always praying for you and your family.....Cindy Miller
ReplyDeleteHA! Dwight learned a jump shot...that is classic!
ReplyDeleteLoss of a father and loss of a child...no comparison...but, I will say that I experience a lot of these same feelings every day so this post resonated with me. I still choke up on a daily basis (10 years later) over my Daddy's entry into Heaven and life just isn't the same without him. But, the knowledge that every day brings me closer to him, brings me closer to Him and that is a beautiful thing! Thank you for your rawness...it is inspirational and helps direct my prayers for your family.
Always praying...always believing...
Thank you for being real and sharing your thoughts and feelings. I am so sorry for your having the experience the loss of Ava.
ReplyDeleteI too have had situations in my life, they happened thirty years ago. One of several was when my daughter was eight months old and diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. The experience and the time it took to diagnosis her symptoms and at that time no one knew what to do. Trips to children's hospital in Chicago and treatments and her discomfort. Three years later they felt she went into remission. Today she is a new mom and has aches and pains with joints and I still cry and deal with emotions of that experience. Children especially tug on hearts, at least for me. I had two pregnancies where the babies died at 20 weeks into the pregnancy.
I say these to you as I have found I have become more sensitive, caring, understanding as to what people experience. I can say for me you never get over life occurrances, you get through them with God's help, and prayers, and family, friends and people you meet through life--may it be a short conversation, a brief encounter. The Lord always seems to know when you need that exact moment of encouragement, comfort or peace.
Always in my prayers in thoughts!..Cynthia Frazier
Your experience with Ava has been a game changer for me as a parent. I pray for your family every day. I'm sure there are people who find your blog and relate to your personal sorrow who don't ever comment. Some people are just not commenters.
ReplyDeleteJust as Kelly said, loss of a parent in no way compares to the loss of a child. however, i learned that your pain is your own, no matter the circumstances. my mom died a year ago. she was 86, had never been sick in her whole life and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on august 8 and died on september 4. when told that she had cancer she immediately let us know that she was going to pray that God would just go on and take her. she wasn't feeling sorry for herself, she just meant that she was ready and saw no reason to hang around. God answered her prayer with grace and love. although it has been hard....there are still times i want to pick up the phone and tell her something...i'm so very happy for her. isn't God good? we have the promise of eternity with not only him, but with our loved ones. just as i told her the day she died, not knowing if she heard me or not, "it won't be long until we're all together." i believe that and hold onto that and that is what gets me through. my heart breaks for you and your family, but my heart also rejoices because ava is experiencing real living right now. i know that doesn't make the pain go away, but it does make it more bearable. my prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteJosh-
ReplyDeleteI don't think people think your blogs are for sympathy. NOT IN THE LEAST. And if they do, they need to stop blogging because they don't get it. I use your dad's mantra almost daily...'I don't do crazy anymore' Love it!
You are grieving for pete's sake. And I'm here for the long haul........good days, bad days and in between days. I wish we could take your pain away. I pray every single day that God lifts you all up and you learn to surround the pain instead of it controlling you. It will only be a matter of time before that happens this side of heaven and then that you'll all be together again on the other side.
I've been on a personal journey of trial and pain for 15 months. Ava, the whole Hunter family for that matter, have touched me in a way you will never know. I have learned more about faith and it has brought me even closer to Christ. I think you've touched a ton of people with your blog. Sharing your journey with us and being a voice for Ava has been a gift for many. Thank you for that.
Hold on and cry out to God. He shares your tears and maybe someday you'll understand why this had to happen. I know you trust Him. He will give you the peace that passes all understanding. Curl up in His big loving arms. A friend of mine told me to do that when I was having a particularly bad day and it's very powerful.
In Christ's love-
Jody
it's not quite the same, but when my 16 yr old cousin died it took me about 9 years before i could think of him and smile... of course, the 9 year anniversary was the day i graduated from college... it was kind of my gift to him. made it worth it.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to believe it has been a month... when my son passed away, I remember being at the 3 week mark and wondering where time flew. I remember wondering when the pain would hit me like a Mack truck.
ReplyDeleteI did not work through the pain you are suffering when it happened. I did not have someone like your Lisa to help me cope. I pushed inward and it took... years.
I'm proud of you. For handling an enormously difficult, painful, and horrific situation as eloquently as you did.
Heard Ava's proud of her pop too.
((Ava's family))
The two most powerful words in the entire Bible can be found in John 11:35- "Jesus wept." Since we are all made in His image and strive to be like Him and share many (but not all) of His attributes why should you feel bad for crying even if it is "only for me." As much as I hate entitlement, in this situation you are entitled to weep. For that matter everyone is entitled to weep because if Jesus wept then does our own weeping not bring us that much closer to Him? And if we are that much closer to Him that makes us all that much closer to Ava too.
ReplyDeleteYour tears are powerful in so many ways.. Be you, Josh, because that is all He ever wants from you..or any of us ever wanted- nothing more, nothing less.
Lastly, we all know you would never say anything crazy because Pops summed it up for all the Hunters- "I don't do crazy any more." (laugh).
Stay crazy in love with Lisa, Noah, Ava and our Savior and things will be as all right as they get this side of heaven until that magical day when you are all reunited together again....watching Dwight hit a jumper.
Stay happy in His love.
Mike
I still continue to read your blogs not to continue to feel sorry for your family and for sympathy(even though i do). I still read it so that i could see how a family handles losing a loved one throughout their lives. I know that there are MANY people out there who lost a loved one but are MAD at God about that.Your blog is a great place for people to go who are in your shoes but are mad at God for that. You, Your Wife and Son are being used by God in a very MAGICAL Way. I feel like it is very clear that God is using Ava's story to draw people closer to him. But I thank you, Your Wife and Son for making the sacrifices. Remember God's plan is the best!
ReplyDeleteRemember Josh. Ava is with you, Just not Physically!
Much love and lots of prayers coming your way!
Josh, you are an amazing person and I bet Ava felt blessed to have you as a daddy! I am sure you miss her all the time, and she did touch so many lives. I think of her everyday
ReplyDeleteThanks for your posts!
Pretty funny Josh, "focused" on Hunter Vision.... eyesight, focus, vision...a play on words perhaps? Keep that sense of humor.
ReplyDeleteI was reminded of you and your family in today's devotion from James 1:2-11. Stay "focused" on what is true, what is in your heart, and your faith.
Happy hunting in Georgia. Peace & Blessings to all.